Sunday, October 18, 2009
i SUCK. seriously. what a joke, what a loser. 400 hurdles today. lead beautifully, perhaps too eager to keep with the lead and at least gain more point for NYP, ran beyond a pace i could finish the race. at the 250m i heard mr guru told me keep going you're leading. at 300m i knew i couldn't keep up anymore. i told myself if i want it badly, i have to keep going. so struggling the last 100m, history repeated itself. tripped over the last hurdle. Ended last. what a good end, what a fool. today i could really feel the lactic and i was stuck in the toilet for more than 10 min coz i was having cramps after the run. i felt bad. i dont mind throwing my own face. but somehow i felt i disappointed coach, NYP and myself. i couldn't feel much. is a feeling that you're completely speechless, numb and empty. i thot i would have cried, somehow i didn't. perhaps like really what i've said, i couldn't feel at all.
a shooting star flew past at
last IVP. last time doing hurdles. and hopefully last time being so disappointed with myself.
suddenly, i got a feeling of giving up... maybe like what my mum used to say why spend time on doing things you dont really excel and end up hurting yourself. but all the while, i told myself as long as i keep going, just don't give up, results will show. This IVP showed and proved me wrong.
it makes me weak, i'm afraid to face myself. i know i ought to be strong, be brave to face my own failure and pick myself up again.. this time round, i sort of lose this courage to do so. I'm a coward, i'm afraid of disappointment...
i want to polevault. because it makes me feel less useless. sometimes i do feel disappointed about how lousy i was for not clearing a height but is the only thing that proved to me that if i don't give up, results will show. sometimes the results can be so slow but is something i know i can look forward to. perhaps, this is the only reason that pulled me away from the thot of giving up.
next week onwards will be the start of clinicals at NUH. far but i will come back for training. i really hope by end of this year i can at least clear 3m. I dont want to disappoint myself anymore.
allow me to scold myself one last time. I SUCK. what a fool, a joke, a loser.
i promise after tonight, i will be that optimistic happy girl again.
su called like now. i told her wat happened in this 2 races this 2 weeks. suddenly that tears of mine just lost control. i knew i've kept in it for too long... okie. life still goes on. JIAYOU peigin!!
7:35 PM