Sunday, March 07, 2010
dear diary,
a shooting star flew past at
i've so much so much to say. school has finally ended officially on last thurs. this 3 years had been a great one with a great bunch of people. things are much easier and bearable because of them. we have all grown up. grown to be stronger emotionally and physically. they saw and shared my ups and downs. thanks everyone for everything. will kept these great memories we shared deep in my heart and brain. now we are heading to a new phase of our life, let's jiayou and keep the happy PT0702 spirit up (:
next, my ah gong and ah ma, please do stay healthy. both of them have been admitted to hospital one after another at the same time. now ah gong on NG tube because he cant really swallow. ah ma's health is under monitoring and her memory is failing. recalling 3 years back when ah gong went missing and found injured in the hospital later and ah ma's health was bad, i actually cried and felt helpless. now, when i visit ah gong again in the hospital this time, seeing him with the tube, i was sad i think, but this time, i no longer cried. same for ah ma, i saw the bleed, i no longer felt helpless and cried. i wonder has my heart grown colder? or i have seen too much that i no longer feel the need to be emotional. or perhaps i am just better in coping and hiding my emotions. pardon my selfish thoughts at time. sometimes i would rather life is kinder to them. instead of making them go through all these pain and sufferings, why not let them go peacefully. seriously, i think sometimes when i was young, i didn spend enough time to talk to them to understand them. I was physically there all the time but no effort was made to understand them. now ah gong cant understand and talk to me anymore, ah ma dont really make sense anymore. perhaps this was the little regrets we will all have in life. thus, i tell myself, when i have my own kids next time, i will let them talk to their granny and grandpa more. at least they wont end up like me... for now, i guess the only thing i can do for them is to visit them more often and be more patient.
and there is one more thing on my mind. i really don't know if i can make up my mind. but i sort of know my answer already. perhaps it took too long and suddenly i realise maybe i dont need one at all. things may change but i guess it wont be anytime soon.
no more looking back. the future is waiting, the present is here.
with love,
gin
9:39 PM